two weeks...

that's how long it's been since i held my baby girl, sadie grace, in my arms. i held her for 37 weeks in my womb...until we were shocked to find out that sadie had died.

let me back up...monday, april 27th, was like any other day. i got up, got my 2 1/2 year old up and ready for the day and felt sadie moving around like her active self. i went to work...another normal day. we went out to dinner that night and i realized that i hadn't felt sadie move in awhile, which was weird because she seemed to be moving ALL the time. so as time went on, i told my husband and shared my concern that i hadn't felt sadie move in awhile. we decided it was probably nothing. after putting my son to bed i started to get more concerned. sadie was most active around 9:30-10:00 pm. i felt nothing. i decided to go to bed, knowing that sadie ALWAYS gets going as i'm trying to wind down and go to sleep. i got to bed...nothing. i started to cry.

we decided to call the doctor's office. they advised me to do a kick count. if i didn't feel her kick/move 6 times in an hour, i needed to go to the birth center. so i laid down, ate a candy bar and waited. 5 minutes...nothing. 10 minutes...nothing. 30 minutes...nothing. 1 hour...nothing. we called my mom to come and stay at the house with my son so we could go.

in my heart of hearts i knew what was going on. i HOPED we would get to the birth center and they would say, 'kerry, she's in distress, let's do a c-section tonight and get her out of distress'. instead...they couldn't find sadie's heartbeat. not with the doppler...not with the ultrasound...
our sweet sadie was gone.
my husband bawled.
i could only say, 'what is going on?' 'how is this happening?'
we were given our options.

we decided to come back wednesday, the 29th to have a scheduled c-section to deliver sadie.
to meet our little girl face to face.
this wasn't the way it was supposed to be.

that was two weeks ago today.

we held our little girl in our arms. we kissed her. we snuggled with her. we loved on her.

she was perfect. 7 lbs. 4 oz. 21 inches of perfect.

what happened? the doctors couldn't tell us. our family and friends couldn't tell us. only One knows what happened and why.

i miss my sadie grace. she is now being held in the arms of Jesus.
as a good friend said, 'she gets to experience the fullness of God without interruption.'
she never had to cry. she never experienced this evil world.
if i can't hold her and raise her and nuture her anymore...i'm so thankful she is being held and loved and nutured by the God who created her. the God who loves her, even more than i do.

two weeks. seems like forever.
i miss you sadie.
i wish i could kiss your nose and sweet red two lips.