full of HOPE

i'm not sure why...but i feel this great sense of anticipation. a sense that something good is going to happen. i have NO idea what that may look like...or what form that 'good' will take...but i feel like something good is coming.

i feel hopeful...and i like it.

happy birthday sweet girl!

we miss you sadie.

beyond understanding

this could have really been an amazingly TOUGH week.

but i've felt totally covered in prayer. i have felt God's presence and peace in a fresh way each day. i've definitely dealt with sadness and crying, but i have also had peace.
the peace that only God can give you.

the 21st was sadie's due date.
the 22nd, some good friends of ours from our small group had their baby girl. i imagined our two girls growing up together.
the 24th was my nephew's birthday (it would have been his 10th birthday, he died when he was 4 months old).
the 27th was one month from the last time i felt sadie move.
and tomorrow, the 29th, is one month after sadie's birthday.

so much to think about, to feel emotional about (which i do, don't get me wrong)...but i have also been overwhelmed by God.

His presence.
His love.
His mercy.
His grace.
His gifts.
His people.
His peace.

wow.

His love for us is SO great.
His love for sadie is SO great.
His love for me is SO great.

sunshine

the last few weeks, as we have been dealing with the shock of losing sadie and grieving, the weather here has been mirroring our emotions it seems.

as we left the hospital the night we went to the birth center and found out that our little sadie went to heaven, the fog was SO thick, we couldn't see very far in front of us at all, maybe 1oo feet at best as we drove home.

the days following, we had a bunch of gray cold days (for this time of year anyway!)...sometimes the sun would peak out for a little bit, shining it's rays down on us. sometimes we didn't always see it or feel it, but it was there.

today is full out sunny and warm.

my grieving started out foggy, thick and hard to see past...but there were glimmers of sunlight and hope sprinkled in. today's sunshine gives me a little picture of what's ahead...of what is to come.

what it boils down to is that my Jesus gives me hope.
He will continue to give me hope...TRUE hope...and what i need to get through each day...my manna. He is here. He is with me. He is holding me and i will seek Him and be held under His wing.

how i feel is different each day...sometimes each hour...but i have my glimmers of sunlight. i know i will have days of sunshine...AND i know i will have stormy days, gray and wet and hard. but i have hope knowing i will see the sun again. i have hope knowing that the Son is with me.

and someday, i will see my sadie again as we bask in the light of the Lord in heaven together.

two weeks...

that's how long it's been since i held my baby girl, sadie grace, in my arms. i held her for 37 weeks in my womb...until we were shocked to find out that sadie had died.

let me back up...monday, april 27th, was like any other day. i got up, got my 2 1/2 year old up and ready for the day and felt sadie moving around like her active self. i went to work...another normal day. we went out to dinner that night and i realized that i hadn't felt sadie move in awhile, which was weird because she seemed to be moving ALL the time. so as time went on, i told my husband and shared my concern that i hadn't felt sadie move in awhile. we decided it was probably nothing. after putting my son to bed i started to get more concerned. sadie was most active around 9:30-10:00 pm. i felt nothing. i decided to go to bed, knowing that sadie ALWAYS gets going as i'm trying to wind down and go to sleep. i got to bed...nothing. i started to cry.

we decided to call the doctor's office. they advised me to do a kick count. if i didn't feel her kick/move 6 times in an hour, i needed to go to the birth center. so i laid down, ate a candy bar and waited. 5 minutes...nothing. 10 minutes...nothing. 30 minutes...nothing. 1 hour...nothing. we called my mom to come and stay at the house with my son so we could go.

in my heart of hearts i knew what was going on. i HOPED we would get to the birth center and they would say, 'kerry, she's in distress, let's do a c-section tonight and get her out of distress'. instead...they couldn't find sadie's heartbeat. not with the doppler...not with the ultrasound...
our sweet sadie was gone.
my husband bawled.
i could only say, 'what is going on?' 'how is this happening?'
we were given our options.

we decided to come back wednesday, the 29th to have a scheduled c-section to deliver sadie.
to meet our little girl face to face.
this wasn't the way it was supposed to be.

that was two weeks ago today.

we held our little girl in our arms. we kissed her. we snuggled with her. we loved on her.

she was perfect. 7 lbs. 4 oz. 21 inches of perfect.

what happened? the doctors couldn't tell us. our family and friends couldn't tell us. only One knows what happened and why.

i miss my sadie grace. she is now being held in the arms of Jesus.
as a good friend said, 'she gets to experience the fullness of God without interruption.'
she never had to cry. she never experienced this evil world.
if i can't hold her and raise her and nuture her anymore...i'm so thankful she is being held and loved and nutured by the God who created her. the God who loves her, even more than i do.

two weeks. seems like forever.
i miss you sadie.
i wish i could kiss your nose and sweet red two lips.