Remembering...

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. It's a special day set aside to remember our babies that aren't here with us anymore. Today I remember my Sadie. I am also thinking about my sweet nephew Aidan and my close friend Marceline's baby Reagan.



Something to do to remember babies that are special to you is to light a candle in their honor and to remember them. They say that if you light a candle at 7pm in your time zone and keep it lit for an hour, there will be wave of light across the world for the whole day. I'll be lighting a candle for Sadie, Aidan and Reagan. We miss you sweet ones and will hold you in our hearts and remember you and your impact on us forever.

away

first of all, i am a terrible blogger. it is decidedly so.

secondly, and the reason for this post...is that my wonderful husband and i were able to get away for an evening together without caleb! we went up to denver on friday afternoon. we checked into the hyatt place and went off to dinner and a movie. A REAL DATE!!! we went to california pizza kitchen and then off to see '500 days of summer'. neither of us had any expectations for that movie. but i REALLY liked it!! i'd see it again in a heartbeat. on the way home from the theater we stopped at the cheesecake factory and picked up a piece of white chocolate raspberry cheesecake to take back to the hotel with us. can i get a "yum yum"? it was heaven in my mouth and i enjoyed every bite. (i'm drooling right now thinking about it!) let's just take a moment and reflect on it's awesomeness.

*moment*

the next day, jeff and i went to REI and just took our time and wandered the store. that does NOT happen normally when we have an active three year old in tow! they were actually having a mini garage sale for REI members while we were there. so, being the responsible REI members we are, we had to check out the fun stuff they had for a bargain. and a bargain we found!! jeff scored a pair of $140 shoes for $5!! that's right, $5!!! they were worn once and whoever had them didn't like how they fit, so he returned them. since they were worn, they couldn't re-sell them on the floor. they only had the one pair, in the one size...and it was jeff's!! that made his day!

we did some more wandering around park meadows mall...which we loved...and then found our way home.

i'm SO thankful to my sister dawn and her family for taking caleb friday night and my mom and dad who had him saturday. we wouldn't have been able to escape for our overnight without them! THANK YOU!

i know it probably doesn't sound like much...but jeff and i were able to have some time to just be together...with no interruptions...and just reconnect and love on each other. we needed it.

now, i look forward to another escape...with my sissy and my mommy to Denver to attend Women of Faith this weekend. YAY! can i just say i'm SO looking forward to it? i pretty much know that God wants me there this weekend. i can't wait!

WOOT!

Wonderful Merciful Savior...

CANCER FREE!! YIPEEEEE! God is Good. Satan was telling me lies...like, if God loved you, He wouldn't have taken Sadie away...so why would he prevent this too? i know those are lies...God has proven His love for me. it's bigger than my understanding of events, trials, difficulties or circumstances. He is walking with me as i grieve my Sadie, and has made His presence known over and over and over and over. He loves me.

now, i understand that bad things can happen to those who love the Lord...so i knew i wasn't immune to a cancer diagnosis...but God chose to rescue me from that path at this point in my life. i feel covered in His mercy...and i am SO grateful! my heart is full of praise!

I have been in love with this song since my sister dawn shared it with me. it is SO worshipful...and my heart has been singing it all morning!! if i had more throat power, i'd be belting it out too!!

God is Holy.



Worthy is the, Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song, to him who sits on
Heaven's mercy seat

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be
to You the only wise King

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of your name
Jesus your name is power
Breath, and living water
Such a marvelous mystery
Yeah...

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come, yeah
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

here we go...

well, i'm not sure where to start.
i guess i'll start with this...i have a thing on my tonsil. it's nasty. gross. disgusting in fact. i had it checked because i've had it for about 2 months (that i've noticed anyway). well, i was referred to an ENT (ear nose and throat doc). he looked. he tried to feel it. he got his crazy camera that went up my nose and down my throat to get a better look. he got a look. he can't decide if it's nothing or something. by nothing, i mean, nothing to worry about, at all. by something, i mean cancer. WHAT? he wants to take out my tonsil in order to do a biopsy. he can't tell what it is if he can't get a biopsy. in order to get a biopsy, he has to take out my tonsil. SO, tomorrow morning at 10:30 am, i'll be put under and have my tonsil removed.
i'll find out in a week (or hopefully less) if it's nothing, or something.
please pray that tomorrow goes smoothely. i hate the idea of having surgery. i hate the idea of cancer.
i don't want my mind to go further...so i'm going to be done with this...
please pray for us!!
sometimes God rescues us from, sometimes he walks with us through...i'm praying for a rescue.

3 months

3 months today...missing you my sweet Sadie. oh how i wish i could hold you again. i'm so glad you are safe in the arms of Jesus experiencing the fullness and completeness of His love.

counting on God

i love this song. i'm totally counting on God...and He is faithful.

this is by desperation band, from new life church.



I'm in a fight not physical
And I'm in a war
But not with this world
You are the light that's beautiful
And I want more
I want all that's Yours

Joy unspeakable that won't go away
And just enough strength To live for today
So I never have to worry
What tomorrow will bring
'Cause my faith is on solid rock
I am counting on God

I am counting on
I am counting on God

The miracle of Christ in me
Is the mystery that sets me free
I'm nothing like I used to be
Open up your eyes you'll see

potty training 101

so we decided that this is the summer that we will potty train caleb.

actually, it really wasn't a choice. he started reacting to something in his diapers and would get a rash if he wore them for an extended amount of time. (and i don't mean only 1 diaper all day!)

SO...big boy underpants, here we come!

he actually is doing quite well i think. just a few accidents in the beginning...but now...he's standing up going pee pee in the potty like a big boy and he's rocking the boxer briefs.

a couple of things happened today that made me smile at his progress!! we were in walmart doing our weekly trip for groceries,etc. and we're in the checkout line...all of our items on the belt...and i hear a little voice from the cart say...'momma, i have to pee pee.' well. what a conundrum. what's a mom to do? do i leave the check out line and get him to the potty ASAP? or do i just let him go in his pants (he did have a pull up on mind you)? i took the easy way out and said, 'listen honey, if you can hold it, we'll go to the potty after we check out and pay.' all the while thinking...he'll just pee in his pull up.

we went through a L O N G process at checkout with coupons, price adjustments and slow bagging. and sure enough...the boy held it. i had assumed he didn't and started to head to the door... and once again i hear that little voice...

'momma, i have to go pee pee now.'

'did you hold it honey?'

'yes.'

so we bolted to the restroom, run into a stall...i pulled off his pull up and shorts...stuck him on the potty and...

TA DA!! he did it. i was beaming.

then, to top off my proudness (i know, not a word, but i like it) we got home and after unloading the packages, eating lunch and playing with some cars...

'momma, i have to go poo poo'.

now this is an area of challenge for caleb. last week, he pooped in his underpants twice.

TWICE, in like, two days. OY.

back to the story.

off to the potty.

sure enough...my son, once again in the same day, impressed me!! he did it!

such a big boy.

jellybeans were the treat of choice. he deserved each one. and if it wasn't coming up on naptime...i would have given him more.

rainbows

so we've had a lot of rain here in colorado. the beauty of it raining out here is that it tends to be raining and yet the sun is shining at the same time. so that means, tons of rainbows! not just a little glimmer of a rainbow...but FULL rainbows...double rainbows...triple rainbows!!! the past week, i think i've seen these amazing rainbows on three different occasions.


when i see rainbows, i think of beauty during a storm. i also think of God's promise of His faithfulness.


now, these rainbows i've had the pleasure of seeing this past week i can see from the back of my house. as i look at these awesome rainbows, guess what is at the center of these rainbows? and i mean smack dab in the middle? the hospital where i delivered sadie.


it's like God is saying to me...look kerry, i can bring beauty from this storm you're going through. I am faithful. Good memories will be made at that hospital.

and it makes me smile.

(that big building in the middle is the hospital...i know it's hard to see!)

my glory baby

been thinking a lot about sadie these past couple of days. i've been remembering her, missing her and praising God for her...even when i don't understand.

those who know me, know that i LOVE music. i'm very affected by it. very. my emotions get entangled with certain songs and whenever i hear them, they bring me back to a certain time, a certain place and the emotions i was feeling at that time.

at sadie's memorial service, good friends of ours performed 'glory baby' by watermark. this song will always remind me of sadie and bring back all of my complex emotions i'm feeling during this time of grief and of the time i got to spend with my sweet girl on this earth. it also reminds me of the truth that jeff and i have been holding on to. i think the lyrics explain it so well...


Glory Baby by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you ‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing- That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know

reality tv...it's a weakness

part of me hates reality tv. the part of me that misses straight-up sitcoms with the laugh tracks, cheesy jokes and the slow music at the end of the show to point out the moral lesson.

then there is the part of me that gets hooked on the made up drama that is edited 'just so' to make every participant look like the character the producers want to portray. the part of me that wants 'a nobody' to become 'somebody'...even if it is tied to an overly dramatic rose ceremony.

currently the reality shows i'm hooked on are 'the bachelorette' (which i'll address another time) and 'so you think you can dance'.

i just can't seem to help myself.

i'm so excited that tonight, we'll get to watch 20 'nobodys' get launched into the spotlight as the top 20 dancers. it makes me wish i could dance like that. my husband doesn't like to watch the show because one of the judges, mary, drives him CRAZY every time she screams/squeals/screeches when she likes what she sees on the dance floor. so i usually put my son to bed, bust out the DVR, curl up and watch my guilty pleasure. usually there is also ice cream involved.

stay tuned and i'll post my faves. cause i always have faves.

full of HOPE

i'm not sure why...but i feel this great sense of anticipation. a sense that something good is going to happen. i have NO idea what that may look like...or what form that 'good' will take...but i feel like something good is coming.

i feel hopeful...and i like it.

happy birthday sweet girl!

we miss you sadie.

beyond understanding

this could have really been an amazingly TOUGH week.

but i've felt totally covered in prayer. i have felt God's presence and peace in a fresh way each day. i've definitely dealt with sadness and crying, but i have also had peace.
the peace that only God can give you.

the 21st was sadie's due date.
the 22nd, some good friends of ours from our small group had their baby girl. i imagined our two girls growing up together.
the 24th was my nephew's birthday (it would have been his 10th birthday, he died when he was 4 months old).
the 27th was one month from the last time i felt sadie move.
and tomorrow, the 29th, is one month after sadie's birthday.

so much to think about, to feel emotional about (which i do, don't get me wrong)...but i have also been overwhelmed by God.

His presence.
His love.
His mercy.
His grace.
His gifts.
His people.
His peace.

wow.

His love for us is SO great.
His love for sadie is SO great.
His love for me is SO great.

sunshine

the last few weeks, as we have been dealing with the shock of losing sadie and grieving, the weather here has been mirroring our emotions it seems.

as we left the hospital the night we went to the birth center and found out that our little sadie went to heaven, the fog was SO thick, we couldn't see very far in front of us at all, maybe 1oo feet at best as we drove home.

the days following, we had a bunch of gray cold days (for this time of year anyway!)...sometimes the sun would peak out for a little bit, shining it's rays down on us. sometimes we didn't always see it or feel it, but it was there.

today is full out sunny and warm.

my grieving started out foggy, thick and hard to see past...but there were glimmers of sunlight and hope sprinkled in. today's sunshine gives me a little picture of what's ahead...of what is to come.

what it boils down to is that my Jesus gives me hope.
He will continue to give me hope...TRUE hope...and what i need to get through each day...my manna. He is here. He is with me. He is holding me and i will seek Him and be held under His wing.

how i feel is different each day...sometimes each hour...but i have my glimmers of sunlight. i know i will have days of sunshine...AND i know i will have stormy days, gray and wet and hard. but i have hope knowing i will see the sun again. i have hope knowing that the Son is with me.

and someday, i will see my sadie again as we bask in the light of the Lord in heaven together.

two weeks...

that's how long it's been since i held my baby girl, sadie grace, in my arms. i held her for 37 weeks in my womb...until we were shocked to find out that sadie had died.

let me back up...monday, april 27th, was like any other day. i got up, got my 2 1/2 year old up and ready for the day and felt sadie moving around like her active self. i went to work...another normal day. we went out to dinner that night and i realized that i hadn't felt sadie move in awhile, which was weird because she seemed to be moving ALL the time. so as time went on, i told my husband and shared my concern that i hadn't felt sadie move in awhile. we decided it was probably nothing. after putting my son to bed i started to get more concerned. sadie was most active around 9:30-10:00 pm. i felt nothing. i decided to go to bed, knowing that sadie ALWAYS gets going as i'm trying to wind down and go to sleep. i got to bed...nothing. i started to cry.

we decided to call the doctor's office. they advised me to do a kick count. if i didn't feel her kick/move 6 times in an hour, i needed to go to the birth center. so i laid down, ate a candy bar and waited. 5 minutes...nothing. 10 minutes...nothing. 30 minutes...nothing. 1 hour...nothing. we called my mom to come and stay at the house with my son so we could go.

in my heart of hearts i knew what was going on. i HOPED we would get to the birth center and they would say, 'kerry, she's in distress, let's do a c-section tonight and get her out of distress'. instead...they couldn't find sadie's heartbeat. not with the doppler...not with the ultrasound...
our sweet sadie was gone.
my husband bawled.
i could only say, 'what is going on?' 'how is this happening?'
we were given our options.

we decided to come back wednesday, the 29th to have a scheduled c-section to deliver sadie.
to meet our little girl face to face.
this wasn't the way it was supposed to be.

that was two weeks ago today.

we held our little girl in our arms. we kissed her. we snuggled with her. we loved on her.

she was perfect. 7 lbs. 4 oz. 21 inches of perfect.

what happened? the doctors couldn't tell us. our family and friends couldn't tell us. only One knows what happened and why.

i miss my sadie grace. she is now being held in the arms of Jesus.
as a good friend said, 'she gets to experience the fullness of God without interruption.'
she never had to cry. she never experienced this evil world.
if i can't hold her and raise her and nuture her anymore...i'm so thankful she is being held and loved and nutured by the God who created her. the God who loves her, even more than i do.

two weeks. seems like forever.
i miss you sadie.
i wish i could kiss your nose and sweet red two lips.